Memories

Swaying,
A montage of reds, yellows and oranges
Swirling and cascading
Gently and furiously
Descending to the ground.

Sun and moon
Viciously repeating
No foreknowledge of ending
Numb feeling,
More moon than sun.

Earth is quivering,
Ground is quaking,
Saplings barren
Unrecognizable; void.

Chapters turning,
No hope of erasing
The past will flow
Impossible to touch.

Memories,
A montage of elation and desperation
Swirling and cascading
Gently and furiously
Attacking the mind.

Happiness and regrets,
Viciously repeating,
No foreknowledge of ending
Numb feeling,
More regrets than happiness.

Strength is quivering
Courage is quaking
Hope’s barren
Unrecognizable; void.

Chapters turning,
No hope of erasing
The past will flow
Impossible to touch

The Altar and the Door

"Careless I am reckless

I'm a wrong way traveling

Slowly unraveling shell of a man

Burned out I'm so numb now

That the fire's just an ember

Way down in the corner

Of my cold, cold heart



Lord this time I'll make it right

Here at the altar I lay my life

Your kingdom comes

But my will was down

My heart is broken



As I cry like so many times before

But my eyes are dry before I leave the floor

Oh Lord I try

But this time Jesus

How can I be sure,

I will not lose my follow through

Between the altar and the door?



Here at the altar

See my world so black and white

How could I ever falter

From what You've shown me to be right?

Lord, this time I'll make it right

Here at the altar I'll lay my life

Your kingdom comes

But my will was done

My heart is broken



As I cry like so many times before

But my eyes are dry before I leave the floor

Oh Lord I try

But this time Jesus how can I be sure

I will not lose my follow through

Between the altar and the door?



I'm trying so hard

To stop trying so hard

Just let You be who You are

Who You are in me. "

Remembrace by Emily Bronte

Cold in the earth, and the deep snow piled above thee!

Far, far removed, cold in the dreary grave!

Have I forgot, my One Love, to love thee,

Severed at last by Time's all-wearing wave?

Now, when alone, do my thoughts no longer hover

Over the mountains, on that northern shore;

Resting their wings where heath and fern-leaves cover

Thy noble heart for ever, ever more?

Cold in the earth, and fifteen wild Decembers

From those brown hills have melted into spring--

Faithful indeed is the spirit that remembers

After such years of change and suffering!

Sweet Love of youth, forgive if I forget thee

While the World's tide is bearing me along;

Other desires and other hopes beset me,

Hope which obscure but cannot do thee wrong.

No later light has lightened up my heaven,

No second morn has ever shone for me:

All my life's bliss from thy dear life was given--

All my life's bliss is in the grave with thee.

But when the days of golden dreams had perished

And even Despair was powerless to destroy,

Then did I learn how existence could be cherished,

Strengthened and fed without the aid of joy;

Then did I check the tears of useless passion,

Weaned my young soul from yearning after thine;

Sternly denied its burning wish to hasten

Down to that tomb already more than mine!

And even yet, I dare not let it languish

Dare not indulge in memory's rapturous pain;

Once drinking deep of that divinest anguish,

How could I seek the empty world again?

The Word is Alive!

"The Word is alive!

And it cuts like a sword through the darkness, With a message of life to the hopeless and afraid. Breathing life into all who believe.

The Word is alive!

and the world and it's glories will fade but its truth it will not pass away. It remains yesterday and forever the same.

The Word is alive!"

"The Bible was inscribed over a period of two thousand years. In times of war and in days of peace by kings, physicians, tax collectors, farmers, fishermen, singers and shepherds. The marvel is that a library so perfectly cohesive could have been produced by such a diverse crowd over a period of time that staggers the imagination. Jesus is its grand subject our good is designed as the glory of God in this end!"

My Beef with dudes and Skinny Jeans

To Whom it may concern:

Let me begin by saying the following. This is not the wild rantings of a homophobe, or an advocate for dudes wearing baggy jeans. I just feel a certain degree on passion on this topic. Men, please hear my heart on this issue. Let me start off by telling a short story. This is a true story.

Once, while waiting in the DMV, I observed a guy get up from the chair parallel to mine. Apparently he thought his number was called, but noticed the mistake as he stood, looked as his paper, and sat back down. This was all I needed to shake my head in sorrow. Yes, you read right...I said sorrow. Let me explain. As the guy sat, I noticed that he tried to put the paper into his front pants pocket, but to no avail. As he shoved and shoved, the paper began to tear. Finally, in a bit of frustration, he stood up and attempted to complete his task. By now his pants legs were pulled upward to his calf, and I could see the dirty socks he wore. Now dirty sock aside - that's another topic altogether - these were jeans, ladies and gentlemen. Jeans! Jeans don't ride up to your calves. They're not supposed to! Finally, he saw me looking.

My eyes had been fixed on his eternal struggle, and a smirk formed at the sides of my mouth. I couldn't help laugh, it was really funny! As he looked at me, he couldn't help feel a sense of embarrassment. I noticed the red on his face and neck (no pun). Then something surprising happened. His face became angry, and he said to me..."you got a problem?" "Nah! I'm sure you have a mirror; you knew what you were getting into when you choose those pants," I retorted. I suppose my bold response shocked him, as he could only laugh and shake his head saying..."good one...good one." I laughed too.

Now that story aside, here's why you shouldn't wear skinnies, fellas. It looks gay! No diss to gay people, but if you're straight, just look the part! Be men, wear fitting jeans. Seriously, the effeminate metro sexual style that seems to plague this generation, just isn't cool. I'm not saying that I have a monopoly on what's "cool," I'm just saying that if you put a dollar in your front pocket, and four quarters pops out the back, then you have officially succeeded in making me uncomfortable.

OK, Im done with my venting. Truly sorry if this offends you!

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Self-Destruct

It's hard to watch someone self-destruct

Harder when you love them so much

I watch the chaos

Wishing I could remove some of their pain

Late nights

No sleep

Many endless, heart wrenching tears

Lies and deception drove them apart

Keeps them apart

My words aren't enough

Only Christ can fix something so rough

And when it all gets to be too much

When a choice must be made

She runs

No thought to consequence

Without a word

It's impossible to see when blinded by tears

Wishing, praying she's all right

Trusting God to perfectly orchestrate

And just when I think I will break

When I can't take anymore

He speaks to me

"My grace is enough for you.

My strength is made perfect in your weakness."

Then peace washes over me

Because I can do nothing

But God can do everything

He holds her

It's hard to watch someone self-destruct

Harder when you love them so much

But easier to trust Him how loves her
More than I ever could.

~Jessica Gray

Fasting

Fasting. In Christian circles the term is very known. Most think of it as a day of not eating, if you can manage not to eat for that long. Most consider it a daunting task to not eat for an entire day but endeavor to do so to draw closer to God. It's often easy to forget the reason behind fasting. As Christians, we are commanded to fast in the Bible so it can often feel like another thing that should be done. Some Christians never fast.

But I believe that fasting can be done with not just food. I think that you can fast from anything that comes between you and God. Sometimes it's hard to judge what is most important to you. But I challenge you to figure out what you spend your most time doing. Ok I know some of you are in school right now and I don't think anyone would consider school as something they want to come between themselves and God. But school can be detrimental to your spiritual life. It can come from our ungodly obsession with being busy. Have you ever considered that God commands us to "be still and know that I Am God." That requires us to...Be still! Not moving, not busy, not interrupted by anything. I think we can over overvalue busyness and think people are not living up to their full potential when they are not running around constantly.

So, perhaps this is a call for you to put down what has been getting in the way of living your life completely sold out for Christ. I'm not saying that it will be easy but dying on a cross so that we could be forgiven wasn't easy either. And that is just one of the many things that God has done for us, how can we withhold anything that we are capable of giving to Him?

"But you, beloved, building yourselves up in your most holy faith and praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ that lead to eternal life."

Jude 20-21

"I have said these things to you, that in ME you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, But take heart; I have overcome the world."

John 16:33

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon ME and come and pray to ME, and I will hear you. You will seek ME with all your heart, I will be found by you,' declares the Lord..."

Jeremiah 29:11-14

God is good all the time! No matter what the circumstance! Sometimes it's hard to see but He often has to break you and leave you lying in the dust in order to raise you up.

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed, always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies."

II Corinthians 4:8-11

I Don't Believe You

"I don't mind it

I don't mind at all

It's like

You're the swingset

And I'm the kid that falls

It's like the way we fight

The times I cry

We come to blows

But every night

The passion's there

So it's gotta be right, right?

No I don't believe you
When you say

Don't come around here no more

I won't remind you

You said we wouldn't be apart

No I don't believe you
When you say you

Don't need me anymore

So don't pretend to

Not love me at all

I don't mind it

I still don't mind at all

It's like one of those bad dreams

When you can't wake up

Looks like you've given up

You've had enough

But I want more

No I won't stop

Cause I just know

You'll come around, right?

No I don't believe you

When you say

Don't come around here no more

I won't remind you

You said we wouldn't be apart

No I don't believe you

When you say you

Don't need me anymore

So don't pretend to

Not love me at all

Don't just stand there and watch me fall

Cause I still don't mind at all.

It's like the way we fight

The times I cry

We come to blows

But everynight

The passion's there

So it's gotta be right, right?

No I don't believe you
When you say
Don't come around here no more

I won't remind you

You said we wouldn't be apart

No I don't believe you

When you say

You don't need me anymore

So don't pretend to

Not love me at all

No I don't believe you."

Closer to Love

Matt Kearney: Closer to Love

"She got the call today
One out of the gray
And when the smoke cleared
It took her breath away

She said she didn't believe
It could happen to me
I guess, we're all one phone call
From our knees
We're gonna get there soon

If every building falls
And all the stars fade
We'll still be singing this song
The one they can't take away

I'm gonna get there soon
She's gonna be there too
Crying in her room
Praying Lord come through
We're gonna get there soon

Oh it's your light
Oh, it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to show me the way

Crying out now
From so far away
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love..."

Love for our brother and sisters in Christ. Being there when they are having a hard time and making them feel closer to love. It can be hard to bear one another's burdens but we are commanded to do so in the Bible. I pray that I will draw my friends closer to love and have friends that will pull me closer to love.

The video for this song couldn't be embedded or I would've posted that too. Youtube it sometime it's a cool concept!

Chimes, three
Tossing, turning
Eyes closed
Rolling, opening
Staring, yawning
Silent darkness
Ticking, tocking
Comfort void
Peace absent
Rising, walking
Sitting, thinking
Memories attacking
Chimes, four
Endless churning
Laying, musing
Face's hiding
Loudly weeping
Growing quiet
Finally sleeping.

Secret Ambition- Micheal W. Smith

I was in the basement putting away groceries and my dad had left his music running on his computer. This song was playing and it brought back many good childhood memories. The words also stuck out to me a lot more now that I'm older and a Christian. I thought I would share since it is an older song and I'm sure many haven't heard it.

"Young Man up on the hillside
Teaching new ways
Each word, winning them over
Each heart a kindled flame

Old men watch from the outside
Guarding their prey
Threatened by the voice of a paragon
Leading their lambs away
Leading them far away

But nobody knew His secret ambition
Nobody knew His claim to fame
He broke the old rules steeped in tradition
He tore the holy veil away
Questioning those in powerful positions
Running to those who called His name
But nobody knew His secret ambition
Was to give His life away

His rage shaking the temple
His word to the wise
His hands, healing on the seventh day
His love wearing no disguise

But some say death to the radical
He's way out of line
Some say praise be the miracle
God sends a blessed sign
A blessed sign for troubled times

But nobody knew His secret ambition
Nobody knew His claim to fame
He broke the old rules steeped in tradition
He tore the holy veil away
Questioning those in powerful positions
Running to those who called His name
But nobody knew His secret ambition
Was to give His life away

I tell you nobody knew
Until He gave His life away!"

-Micheal W. Smith

I am half the woman
I would like to be
I have half the zeal
Half the faith
Half the love
Half the patience
Most days I feel like I don't even have that much
Searching deep down for something to show
That reflects the Holy and Awesome God that I know
His love has been ever proven
I can feel His presence always
So why do I fail at trusting Him?
Why can't I instantly commit everything to Him?
But then I see that I am not half
I am completely nothing
Only by GOD am I half of anything
Only by His grace
His mercy
His salvation
Without Him I would not have life
There is nothing inside of me that is naturally good
He alone gives me the ability to please Him
He has made me the woman that I am
Even if I feel like a half
Jesus' sacrifice, death, resurrection
Has made me a whole
No broken pieces
No stained clothes
Perfect and complete in my Savior
Waiting for the Day
When I see Him face to face
And on that Day
I will be complete

Quotes that made me think.

A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell.

C. S. Lewis

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I believe in the sun even if it isn't shining. I believe in love even when I am alone. I believe in God even when He is silent.

Unknown
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Here, then, is the real problem of our negligence. We fail in our duty to study God's Word not so much because it is difficult to understand, not so much because it is dull and boring, but because it is work. Our problem is not a lack of intelligence or a lack of passion. Our problem is that we are lazy.

R. C. Sproul
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Trials are medicines which our gracious and wise Physician prescribes because we need them; and he proportions the frequency and weight of them to what the case requires. Let us trust his skill and thank him for his prescription.

Isaac Newton
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"...Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same..."

And sometimes you don't want to admit that you have to do something hard because it's right. And even more times you do what is wrong because it is easy.

I pray I can do the hard, right thing instead of the wrong, easy thing.

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me even if it is also the hardest thing.

Recently while listening to the Prince of Egypt Soundtrack on a drive home with a friend I was struck by the relationship between Moses and Ramses, the Pharaoh. They grew up as members of the same family. They lived together and I would imagine had many good memories with one another. Moses' task was difficult but many overlook a major element that made it so difficult; his love not only for Ramses but also for the Egyptian people. He believed that they were his true family for the majority of his life and then all that he knew was turned upside down. I can't imagine how that must have felt. To become your family's complete enemy. Not only to have to leave them but to go completely against them and bring them pain and suffering.

The song above I think probably voices some of the feelings that both brothers were feeling.

Moses: And even now I wish that God had chose another, standing as your foe on his behave. This is the last thing that I wanted this was my home. All this pain and devestation how it tortures me inside. All the innocent who suffer from your stubbornness and pride. Why must you call down another blow? Let my people go!

Ramses: You who I call brother how have you come to hate me so, is this what you wanted?

Moses begging with Ramses to let his people go was not only to fill the order that he received from God but to stop the suffering that was brought upon the people from Ramses disobedience. He didn't want to see them suffer, that must of been so very difficult to watch.
I can't imagine that Ramses didn't feel betrayed by his brother, Moses. And frankly I can see why he wouldn't take his brother's request seriously. If my brother left home and was thought to be dead and then came back demanding that I release all of my livelihood because a god that I didn't believe in commanded it, I probably would have told him 'no' as well. Maybe some of his rebellion against Moses which in essence was against God was brought on by sibling rivalry. Maybe one day we will know for sure.

Moses is a key example of how God requires obedience from us. I am sure that Moses would have chosen any other way to have God free the Children of Israel. God chose the way that required faith and complete obedience from Moses no matter what he was feeling. I pray that I would be obedient like Moses. Listening to God's voice and doing what He commands me even when it is one of the last things that I want to do.

Say

"Take all your so called problems

Better put them in quotations...

Living up the same old moment

Knowing you'd be better off instead

If you could only

Say what you need to say..

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over

You better know that in the end

It's better to say too much

Than never to say what you need to say again...

...Even if your hands are shaking

And your faith is broken

Even if your eyes are closing

Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say..."

I have decided to say what I need to say via this blog. I have always loved writing and I don't really have a place to just voice all the things that are floating around in my head. I don't have a plan for this blog, knowing myself it will definitely be random.

I think the message of the song that I posted is a good thought. It can be good to say what you need to say, although there are more times when it is better to be silent instead of to speak. I think many people struggle in knowing when to speak up and when to let silence prevail. God says that the tongue is unruly and asks who can tame it. I definitely know that I have not tamed mine. I greatly look forward to The Day when I will have a perfect tongue when I am with my Savior. Until that day I will do my best to "live peaceably with all men." by using and not using my words.